Friday, June 1, 2012

to those who dream, there's no such place as faraway.

Life is funny.  Not in a 'ha ha' kind of way.  More in a 'really? this was the plan?' kind of way.  And sometimes in a 'I want to punch you in the face' kind of way.

Today I want to punch life in the face.  I want to ask it, why the hell this way?  If this was the plan all along, why put her through this?  Cause this was NOT fair.  This is NOT the way anyone would want to spend the last few months of life.  This sucks.

8.  The number of times my Grandma has been in the hospital since February.
Dozens.  The number of times her defibrillator has fired, shocking her back to life while simultaneously literally knocking her on her ass.  
8.  The number of miraculous recoveries she made.  Leading us all to believe, each time, that maybe, just maybe she'd play a little more golf and drink a few more Miller Lite's.  
6.  The number of times I said bye to her.  

The defibrillator is off now.  She's in hospice care.  Comfortable.  Resting.  Not sure she'll rally again this time.  No one expects her to.  This has been a long, hard fight.

I want to punch life in the face.  But I also want to thank life.  There aren't a lot of people whose grandparents get to meet their kids.  And what about the people who don't get to say 'bye' one time, let alone half a dozen?  I got to tell her, to her face, what a great grandmother she has been.  How much I love her.  How whenever I'm at the beach I will think of her.  And whenever I see a pelican soaring, I'll know, it's her.  I got to tell her that I will make sure my kids remember who GG is.  I got to tell her it's ok.  It's ok if she can't fight anymore.  I got to say those things.  Look her in her blue eyes and tell her.  I love her.

Not everyone is that lucky.   


Unknown said...

Hospice is such a blessing, so peaceful and comforting!

Having the chance to say thank you for being amazing, awesome and wonderful, and thank you, is priceless.

I said those things last Friday afternoon, at Hospice, to my Grandmommy. I said goodbye and I love you.

Sending lots of hugs!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I had all these same feelings this past week. So many people were saying how sorry they were, and it was hard, because I KNOW it's hard and sad to say goodbye but all I could say was how blessed we were to have had my poppop around for as long as we did, that he got to cuddle my newborn baby girl, that he was at my wedding. My sister was saying she remembers in elem school a lot of kids losing their grandparents. I think the longer we have with them, makes the goodbye hard. Also,I think everyday about how awful it must be to not get to settle your goodbyes with someone....but we also got time to say goodbye to my poppop...whisper in his ears how much we love him, what a good life he led, and tell him its okay to let go. I'm so glad you got this time too.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through, I get it. xo

mel said...

First visit to your blog and I'm crying my eyes out. My grandmother's funeral was yesterday. My grandpa on the other side left us about a month ago. Both were fighters, hanging on, pulling through after every time the doctors said to call the family.
They were the reason I didn't want to move from my hometown, and the reason I had to say my final good byes every 3 months when I did move.
Thank you for sharing, and may you have many precious memories of her that you never forget.
And punch life in the stomach for me just once.

Liz said...

Here I was expecting some humor based on the Poop Whisperer tone, and this is so sweet and real. I love it. And I thought I was the best part :)

New follower! Super excited to post on Monday with TPW!