Monday, January 30, 2012

a weighty issue.

I was pregnant for most of 2008. When I wasn't pregnant, I was nursing and figuring out life with a newborn.

In 2009 I was figuring out how to work fulltime and be a mom. 

In 2010 please see above reference for 2008. 

In 2011 I was nursing for most of the year and also moving my family 1000 miles away.

Welcome to 2012.  The year I get my body back.  I am not growing a child. I am not feeding a child.  I am feeding my face to provide for me and only me.  And I'm going to lose 15 pounds. 

I am not fat.  I know that I am not fat. I don't look in the mirror in disgust.  But I also know I weigh 25 pounds more than I did when we got married almost 7 years ago (what!?!?).  My diet then of slimfast, lean cuisine, and alcohol isn't sustainable and no one should actually exist on fewer than 1000 calories a day and lots of exercise. 

It starts today.  A sustainable diet and exercise.  Nothing crazy.  Fewer carbs, calorie counting, and good old fashioned workouts.  I will not cut out any one food group nor will I cut out alcohol.  We will still eat out and I will have cake on my quickly approaching 31st birthday.  Sustainability is key. 

About a year ago I did this same thing and lost 15 pounds.  I have just hung out there.  So I will do it again.  And pray to maintain.

I have issues with my weight.  Not like eating disorders or anything. I don't need counseling.  I have a blog instead.  But I'm tall.  And big boned.  I never weighed 120 pounds.  I'm not ever going to weigh that.  My goals are realistic ones.  But I still have issues.

I was a chubby prepubescent.  And I have a few vivid memories from middle school when kids were mean.  I remember one time in eighth grade walking up the stairs and hearing two of the popular boys guess how much I weighed.  That'll mess with your psyche. 

I am a sizist.  Just for myself though.  I watched a lot of Stacy and Clinton in my day and I know you should dress for the size you are because you actually end up looking skinnier.  But I won't buy a pair of pants if I have to go up a size.  Won't do it.  I know that's irrational.  I know that all manufacturers have different measurements.  I also know that the size of clothing isn't found on the outside of the pants for the world to see.  Like I said, issues.

When I get on the scale (which is too often... this new diet I will weigh myself twice a week, not twice a day praying for a miracle each time) I hold onto something and then let go like it will trick the scale.  Or myself.

It was just recently that I realized it's normal for adults to discuss challenges with weight.   That no one is going to judge me for admitting I need or want to lose a few pounds.  It's not something I have ever discussed in depth with anyone.  Until now.  Because more and more I am realizing that this is normal.  That most people (save a lucky few) have this challenge.  I am not alone.

I am writing about it, saying it 'outloud', to hold myself accountable.  There won't be weekly updates.  But I will celebrate small victories. 

it starts today.

Saw this on Kim's blog and then on Pinterest. Found it appropriate and motivating.

So there you go.  It's out there.  On the table.  Time to be accountable. 

15 pounds, I'm coming for you.  Cause come vacation time (yes, people who live in FL still go to the beach for vacation) this mama is gonna look like she did before she was a mama.  Or at least resemble that young svelte 26 year old.  


Charbelle said...

The tall big boned part, completely relate. I've not had the pregnancy part. I have done the slim fast and alcohol diet, or a version of it.

The best part of being tall and big boned, people never actually can guess your size and weight.

LOVE Clinton and Stacey!!!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I totally want to email you (if I remember) details about my weight now. Because as soon as someone says that they'll never ever be able to be 120 I'm all YAY ME EITHER! B/c I am a weight at my skinniest that is considered very HIGH to some people. But for me? I look dayum good if I say so myself. (FOR ME!) 'Cuz I'm tall, and kind of big boned'ish too. ohhh now I wanna divulge all kind of personal weight info to you bahhaa. Notice I don't share my weight on the internet?!?

amanda said...

Way to go! I could have written this post. In college, I was that girl who weighed less than 120. I was 5'4.5" and had a thin frame. Then adulthood caught up with me. These massive boobs came out of nowhere, the notorious Livengood butt that my mom and all her sisters share made it's inevitable appearance on the scene, and my refusal to sacrifice taste for fat finally caught up with me.

I did South Beach before I got married and got to a point that I was happy with, but that is not a sustainable diet for the long haul-at least not for me. I settled in to married life, had a baby, nursed a baby, and got some more curves. Comparatively, I wasn't fat, but I started WW after being motivated by Katie and Susan and lost 25 lbs.

I'm learning that just because I could conceivably be tiny, that doesn't mean that's what's best for my adult body. I'm learning to feel comfortable in my skin and loving what I see in the mirror. I'm learning that I can have my cake and eat it too-I just can't have it with a milkshake and side of fries! It's amazing how that extra body weight weighs down your mind too. I'm so proud of where I am now. I'll be rooting for you every step of the way.